Monday, 29 February 2016

8 days

It's been 8 days. 8 days since Anna's last episode. This is the time where my stress level rises and I'm on high alert. I'm waiting for her to collapse in the living room, or for her to wake up in the middle of the night sick as a dog, or to get a call from school that she is not doing well. I hate this. I hate always waiting for the next episode to come.
Since her last episode though, it's been a pretty good week. Adam turned 16...what??? Crazy! I can't believe I have a child that has his own car and can drive! Insane!! We celebrated his birthday by going out for dinner. Anna was having one of her good days, thank goodness! It would have been horrible if she was sick that day. The rest of the week has been pretty low key, except for a lot of driving with Adam! Anna had a few really good days where she was feeling great, but Saturday she hit a wall. She went to bed around 10:00 pm Friday night and slept until around 10:30 Saturday morning. She stayed upstairs for about an hour then went back to sleep. I woke her up at 4:00 pm because we were going to Mass. She was too sick to come. She went back to bed a bit later and slept through until the following morning. She was not awake very many hours on Saturday, but when she was, she was pale and sickly looking. It's so hard seeing her struggle to just keep her eyes open and to try and focus. Some days she just doesn't have anything in her to give.
In some ways, the day to day living is more difficult than the days that she has her episodes. The days where she ends up on the ground, are the days where her illness is visible. These days are horrific and traumatic and exhausting but are the days where I just get to hold her and comfort her and love her. I just get to be her support. The days where she is having a great day, or even just somewhat functional, are so hard. These are the days where I want to be her cheerleader. These are the days where I try and push her. I try to motivate her. I try to get her to push her limits in the hopes that it will help her recover. I don't know if I push too hard or say the wrong things. I don't know. I just know that I am her mom and I have to be the one that stands with her no matter what. The one who pushes even when she pushes back.

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